proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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