I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
