Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
