i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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