I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
