It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
