After last night, I could never be a politician.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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