i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize
