Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
