pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
