Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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