my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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