She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
