Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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Sorry theFLlifeguard hasn't picked any favorites yet.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.

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(904): View more from Florida

stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.

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(248): View more from Michigan

My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl

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(419): View more from Ohio

Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.

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(916): View more from California

I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty

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(614): View more from Ohio

I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.

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(302): View more from Delaware

You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky

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