this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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