Porn is love you can see.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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