Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
