i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Randomize
