New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
