You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
