he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
