I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
No stitches, just platelets and will power
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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