I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
whose parrot is this?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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