nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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