he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize