I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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