Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Nobody cheats on THIS.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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