sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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