i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
