I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
3pm strippers are depressing
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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