Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
We had sex on a dog bed..
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
