You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
