I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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