I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
