it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
