So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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