I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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