Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
