time to smoke my breakfast
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
