remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
