grandma shit on top of the toilet
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
