we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
