Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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