I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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