if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
