you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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