Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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