If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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