I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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