Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
