So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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