I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
