I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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