look no pants
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
