I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Don't EVER smell your tampon
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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